Diving Deep: Radical Gratitude

Hello loves! Today’s post is a little bit of a deep dive. I also mention some medical kerfluffles I’ve been dealing with, so if that’s not your jam, feel free to skip over this one.

The month of November 2024 was rough for me – one of the roughest months of my life. To keep it short and not too ick – I had a cyst show up around November 3rd near my tailbone. First just some tenderness and I thought I had bruised my tailbone on the wooden beam of the couch when I sat down a bit too hard. A couple days later I was in urgent care, given antibiotics and was sent on my way. Things didn’t get better and a few days later I was in the most pain of my entire life, a mental haze/dissociating etc. Infection had set in and I was not alright.

The doctors created an incision, and then over the course of the week I was back on the table 3 different times. Then finally sent home with an open wound that I have been nursing. I’m now 7 weeks post gauze removal so that the wound was finally able to close and I could heal up a bit. I have an upcoming consultation for pre-surgery to fully remove the cyst and I am terrified. I HATE doctors and have since I was 4 years old when I had to be pinned down by 4 medical professionals to have a vaccination. Each visit has been nothing but anxiety, pain, fear etc.

My anxiety has been through the roof – I’ve been finding myself crying nearly at the drop of a hat because I do not want to be cut open again. I don’t want another 6-8+ weeks of wound care. I don’t want to ask my wife for help with everything from standing up to going to the bathroom. It’s exhausting and frustrating and painful.

I honor all of those feelings. I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel, to let it wash over me, and then to take a deep breath and say thank you.

This is where the art of what I call “Radical Gratitude” comes into play. It’s being thankful for all the bullshit, which sounds counterintuitive and nearly like spiritual bypassing, but I promise it isn’t. Spiritual bypassing is the act of being love ‘n’ light all the time, and pretending that the bad doesn’t exist. It’s shoving the ugly out of your mind and pretending that everything is all flowers and sunshine all the time.

Radical Gratitude is realizing that there is rot and death and decay and honoring the fact that life is right underneath it all. That the shadows honor solace under a blazing sun. That the light still shines though the star might already be dead – honoring the life that the star once burned through.

So, yes, I’m scared silly about this consultation appointment coming up in a couple of days and the thought of having surgery.
I’m also immensely grateful that I live in a world where I can (sort of) access medical care. (That’s a whole big thing, and another ramble and grumble about the medical system that’s currently set up in the USA.) I’m grateful that I have the most amazing wife in the whole universe who is able and willing to help care for me, and hold down the household.

I’m so scared of the financial implications of this. My insurance plan is a high deductible, so this will be mostly out of pocket.
I’m grateful that I have the opportunity and the ability to navigate this. I’m grateful for payment plans. I’m grateful I get to choose what happens with my body.

It’s a balance, and ebb and flow. The Radical Gratitude practice has helped me over the past couple year when the Big Things hit. When our plumbing went to hell in the bathroom, December 2023 I was able to tap in and remind myself that I’m grateful to have a house to fix. I’m grateful that I get to choose which company fixes the issue. I’m grateful, again, for payment plans. I’m grateful I have running water.

Ebbs and flows, my friends, ebbs and flows.

I wanted to share this idea with all of you, bright and early in the year of 2025. Remember the good, even in the middle of the bad. Remember that there is life underneath, and that sometimes the light shines though the star is gone.